WTF Review: Nova #2 aka Where The Fuck is Richard Ryder?

Okay, I'll be the first to admit I am not now, nor have I ever been much of a Jeph Loeb fan. So not to get all hipster but I was mehing the guy's stuff before it was cool. Seems like no one else caught on to this crafty bastard's schemes of underwhelming comics until the triple wammy of abortions on paper called "Ultimatum", "Ultimates 3" and "Red Hulk" saw the light of day and well now it's too late the guy is balls deep in the system and us along with the comics we love, aren't safe until this guy just decides to hang it the fuck up (and hopefully take Jason Aaron with him). Even with this in mind I heard about the new Nova book that DOES NOT star the guy we all knew and loved as Nova aka Richard Ryder but rather a new kid altogether which I instantly rolled my eyes at knowing who was behind the pen and STILL I kept an open mind and gave this is a whirl. Fuck. This. Book.

After my initial "bet that shit sucks" stance, I saw the new version of Nova appear on the Ultimate Spidey cartoon… (I have kids okay I can watch whatever I want. DON'T JUDGE ME) and I didn't hate this take on the character. Even though they just as easily could have de-aged Ryder like they did Powerman and Ironfist instead of coming up w/ a new guy I still wasn't hating on the fact Ryder wasn't the Nova I was seeing on the screen. Between that minor relief and the fact I am vehemently opposed 99% of the time to being one of those nerds who just bash on shit because bitching about comics on the internet is "fun" especially when it comes to bitching about comics before they even come out, I was like okay let me see what's going on here at least before I yay or nay it. Read the first issue it was pretty unimpressive but not out and out bad per say and it ends with Gamora and Rocket Raccoon showing up which is a damn good way to get people to read issue two.

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: Freelancers #4

After three terrible reviews for this series I’m sure some people are wondering why I’m even bothering with this review. Well it’s new writer Eric Esquivel’s first solo issue and so I felt it only fair to give him a chance. Since I’m being honest, I disliked this issue more than the previous three combined. Not only did the really awkward ending of the last issue actually happen, but it apparently kicked off the next major (and I use that term loosely) story arc. Let’s all just hold hands and try to pull through this as it pretends its Marvel’s Hawkeye with women, but comes across more like White Chicks from the Wayne’s Brothers.

My first major gripe with this story is that the characters are not women. Sure they don’t play the damsel, but there is nothing feminine about them. Without the art there to show you their gender, they could be anyone and may as well be men because they talk exactly like them. The opening has the “girls” drinking in mourning and thinking of how to get their agent to save the orphanage and convince him of blah, blah, blah. I would care more, but the comic doesn’t even care. When it comes down to explaining the nitty gritty details we just teleport because one of the characters doesn’t want to be there. Which was actually fine because I didn’t want to be there either; the problem is, I’m supposed to care about what the characters are saying right? If not then the writing accomplished its goal. What’s worse is because the scene teleports we’re never given a straight answer on if the agent is going to buy into their completely illogical plan or not. If you like comics assuming you know the answers to their very obtuse questions then you’ll love this issue, because that’s its theme.

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: My Little Pony – Friendship is Magic #3

Just to warn you, this is less a “review” than it is “wayward social commentary.” With that in mind, the world really is one goofy fucking place, wouldn’t you say?

We live on a planet and in a time where there exists a holy host of amazing and wonderful things. Take tacos, for example. Those are pretty sweet. Or hey, how about that internet? Great stuff. And let’s not forget the near-militant, quasi-religious army of grown-ass men dedicated to the one goal of celebrating, cherishing and I’m gonna go ahead and say worshipping cutesy cartoon horses, the otherwise intended audience of which is pre-pubescent girls. Yup, we’ve got those, too. And doesn’t it just warm the cockles of your little heart to know that this is a real thing? I mean, isn’t that just magically fucking delicious?

Alright, look, if you’re reading this review, you’ll probably know all about the great interwebs divide when it comes to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You’ve most likely heard about the strange and slightly terrifying sect of the Hasbro toy line-inspired show’s followers called “Bronies,” men between the ages of, say, 18 and 30-something, who somehow find a lost solace in its recurring themes of love and friendship. This is not even mentioning the less vocal subset of Bronies called “Cloppers” who ... how do I put this delicately ... “masturbate to My Little Pony.” Yup, that’s a thing, too., thus once again proving Rule #34, which states that if something exists, there’s porn about it. Kinda makes you want to punch Life square in the dick a little bit, huh? Where’s your Kid President pep talk now?

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: Wake the Fuck Up

This book wins my vote for worst original graphic novel/one-shot of 2012, hands down, no contest… winner.  This is literally one of the worst things I have ever read in my life. You may remember this book from the widely publicized announcement that Bill Jemas the co-writer of this… books return to comics. Bill Jemas used to run Marvel Comics in case you were wondering and for some reason left while the company was all but at the top their game.

Wake the Fuck Up is about a boy and a girl, but it’s not a fucking love story or maybe it is, who the fuck knows. Instead it spans a decade of time that covers some of our economies roughest times… viewed through the eyes of children… that talk like adults. Also there are only 25 drawings in the entire book, but you’ll get to see each of them twice! The first twenty five pages are a really bad poem; I guess you would call it a poem. The “poem” is in a way told through the parent’s perspective about their lazy children and each verse ends with “fuck”, but they’re too scared to spell it, so much like on the cover they censor it.

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: Black Kiss II #3 (of 6)

Here we are again… the book that was banned in the U.K. by its distributor; that has covered damn near everything sexual that it can without being black bagged and placed behind the counter to make you look like a pervert when buying it; the book that has done absolutely nothing since the very first page. That’s right, it’s earned itself a WTF Review which is usually reserved for the truly ridiculous and bad. Yet here we are, how did it get to this point? I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you everything.

Now, I’ll read just about anything. Click on my name at the bottom of the review and you should see the wide variety of books that I’ve covered. Hell, just look at this week and you’ll see the grab bag of genre’s that I’ve read and enjoyed. There is one thing that I value above anything else in a comic and that’s the story. That’s not to say that a great story should have terrible art, but great art without a great story is like watching your favorite supermodel shower with her clothes on in person. Sure at first you’re like yeah, “this is okay”, but when the clothes never come off boredom sets in and you just beat your meat and ask somebody for a towel. I assume this would happen on a photo shoot or a commercial or something.

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: Craftsman Bolt-On System Saves The Justice League #1

Did you ever read an issue of the Justice League and think to yourself, “Who in the hell fixes all of their shit?” Well think that no longer because it’s The Technician. Along with his trusty array of Craftsmen tools, he can fix anything!

Change the oil in Wonder Women’s Invisible Jet? Yep. What the fuck with this jet already? Does she have this stupid plane or not? How can he see it, let alone fix it? Why is it just parked outside of the Hall of Justice? We still do that in the New 52, the Hall of Justice? Doesn’t matter, The Technician handles that shit. After that our hero dares to touch The Batmobile and interrupts Batman while he’s talking. Bruce somehow doesn’t break his face. Yeah okay.

Now that the Tech has found a free second The Flash high fives him for tuning up his Cosmic treadmill. No sweat Scarlet Speedster, the T-Man has got you covered. Next it’s off to help Cyborg repair their main computer…yep, he helps a dead guy that is 90% super computer himself, fix something electronic. Then he doesn’t help Superman fix shit, why because he’s fucking Superman that’s why. Oh and Aquaman made the cover but said fuck off the interiors. Even he couldn’t be bothered with this Technician asshole.

Click to read more ...

WTF Review: Heart #3

“Rooster” is finally a loser …. 

He loses a match, becomes a janitor at the gym, lives with his mom in the basement with his brother and gets more tattoos. He's all "heart" baby!

Score: WTF!?

Story by: Blair Butler
Art By: Kevin Mellon
Publisher: Image Comics
Price: $2.99
On Sale: January 11, 2012

WTF Review: Bad Girls Club

Do you remember when you first saw the Suicide Girls comic and thought,” My God, what in the Hell is that? How did a bunch of tatted wanna be burlesque chicks become a group of super spies?” It sucked right? Well take that thought and amp that shit up to eleven because it’s time to join The Bad Girls Club!

The only thing I was able to figure out from this is that these women come from all around the Continental United States, all States with major cites that is. Then they all convene in a lush mansion to prove who the biggest and sassiest whore is, stereotype Bad Girl is! After the girls get all dolled up to go and smash at duh club they say the phrase “This Is off the hook” about a billion times. 

The night starts off smoothly until the girls hit their first “Oh Snap” moment! Shit gets real because the Diamond Skulls Girls run up in the club and start to raise some hell! But that’s cool because the girls all have super powers to fight it out at the club…classy.

Ladies, present your dumpers!

That’s it, I tried to read this entire book but in the middle of this wonder turd that is The Bad Girls Club: The Comic, my head exploded.  I just wanted to “Live out Loud” and now I have brain damage. Thanks IDW!

Score: WTF?!

WRITTEN by Sean Taylor

PENCILS by Martheus Wade

COLORS by Studio C-10

INKS by David Enebral

LETTERS by Bob Mapplethorpe

EDITED by Tom Waltz

WTF Review: Ghostbusters #4

Now finishing this story there is so much to say let’s start with WTF. Let’s review the story; Idulnas has Ray trapped while trying to implant an idea how to destroy the world again because the first attempt was a defeated (the Marshmallow Man). The rest of the crew is planning how to save Ray and the rest of the world. You open up here with Ray in a dream state with Jake Blues talking to him (yes this is true if not its very similar) and how to save the world and remembering the Marshmallow Man. The rest of the crew is flying to the top of the building where Ray is for the rescue. The epic battle is about to begin.

Well I now can call this Ghostbusters 1.5. It’s just an extended version of Ghostbusters so we can see fan favorites again. Last issue could have built to so, so much more and I believe it was blown. So yes I was disappointed as a fan boy I have to say the ending was rushed. To be honest it feels like this was brought back for nostalgia and sales.

This story would have been awesome if I was seven and I was trying to get the toys and cars and watch every movie seven times a day. I hope, but it probably won’t happen, that they can turn this ship around and make a decent story. And one other thing... you can’t crossover Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters they are based in two different worlds/cities and it just doesn’t work for me and I was about to drop the book right there. This book went down like a heaping flaming pile of marshmallows.

Score: 1/5

WTF Review: Jason Vs. Leatherface

Well the Holidays are in full swing, so what better time to talk about horror comics!

Did you know that Topps used to publish comic books? Yep, the very same Topps that became famous for their baseball cards (and shitty gum) did a comic book run from ’93 to ’98.They had a few different, mostly licensed crap-ass titles (they were pulling a Dynamite before Dynamite), but the only title I give a shit about is a three part mini by the name of Jason verses Leatherface. The next Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on Friday the 13^th! So before we get started, I'm sorry to this to ya'...kinda of.

Thanks for nothing Nancy! You Suck!

Book One: Goin’ South

As Jason Voorhees rots at the bottom of Camp Crystal lake, a fortune 500 company pumps its toxic waste into it. After a few indictments the company moves their operation to Mexico. Now to get the environmentalist off their back, they dredge and empty the lake. So all of the trash, including Jason, gets shipped off to a train, then off to who in the hell knows where. On the train ride to the dumping ground, Jason busts out of his steel crap canister and kills everyone on the train, including a homeless bastard and his dog (funny). The train derails and explodes leaving Jason in the great state of Texas, right in Leatherface’s backyard.

Meanwhile, a terrified young man runs through the forest trying to avoid Leatherface and yelling for mercy, unfortunately for him he runs into Jason, who cleaves his head in half.  Seconds later, Jason meets the young man’s pursuers, Leatherface and his brother Hitchhiker, they all give each other the once over and Jason and Leatherface do the man dance with machetes and chainsaws.  After a sad display from both, once they realize they’ll all into killing dumb-ass teenagers, Hitchhiker invites Jason home for dinner.   

I order brunette meat not...oh well.

Book Two:  A Day in the Life

Well now that Jason and LF (Leatherface) are fully fledged BFFs, Jason crashes over at LF’s place and the “Cook” gives Jason the okay to stay for dinner. In the middle of dinner, a family squabble takes place sending Jason into flashback mode when his father slapped his ass around for being a little deformed kid…After the nickel tour around the LF's crib and a little more proof of how crazy the LF family really are Jason and the boys head out and kill some random people. Back home, Hitcherhiker tries to show off some sweet corpse furniture and silly ol’ LF sits in one of the pieces. Stupid LF, it’s not real fucking furniture. Nevertheless another dysfunctional family moment takes place and Jason flashes back to a bad freak filled childhood and this somehow stops him from killing Hitchhiker for slapping LF around. We have a monster with a moral compass.

Nope, that's kind of action in NOT in the book.

Book Three: Face Off

This is it; this is where the shit hits the fan, the brawl for it all. No, not really, it’s one of the age old fanboy conundrums. When you have two major franchises trying to “one up” each other nothing ever happens the way you want it. No one is really happy, your favorite won’t win or it looks like someone won…kind of?  This outing is no exception, Jason looses because the LF family tag teams him and for some reason, Jason has shared a deep connection with LF---being abused as a child has really stuck with him, or so the writer would leave you to believe. In the end the LF family dumps Jason in a lake and leaves him for dead. But alas Jason frees himself and doesn’t retaliate against the family, he starts walking back home to Crystal Lake.   

Sigh, these books were pretty shit and would explain why Topps gave up on the comic game. The art was corny and the writing was worse, please let me read about a neutered Jason walking around with daddy issues. Sounds like a blast. I feel like there should of been a lot more anger towards these pieces of poop but it was really just more pitiful than anything. It was hard to keep up the energy to really rip into them. But on the bright side these two horror juggernauts have other comic adventures by other publishers and I have them all! Duh-Du-Duh!

Score: WTF