Review: Action Comics #5

“Rocket Song”

With every reboot there needs to be a retelling of theorigin story.  Since nobody knowshow Superman came to Earth, DC Comics decided to disclose that well-keptsecret.  Action Comics #5 reveals how Jor-El came to Earth for the sake of theNew 52.

And it sucked worse than dinner for two at Appleby’s.

I thought Flash was the only book to feature a one-panel appearanceof the title character, but obviously I was wrong.  I think there’s been a memo sent around the DC officesstating that the company hates their readers so much that it needs to makecomics where the title hero doesn’t do dick in the ish.  That’s what’s happening in their comics.

Okay, missing Superman aside let me break down why youshould vote with your wallet and refuse this shit the way women refuse my pickup lines.  The dialogue is clownfucking silly.  Red nose andall.  Here’s the line spoken byLara when she sees movement in the Phantom Zone:

“There are threatening figures emerging through thecolorless fog.”

Did George Lucas guest write that drivel?  Even worse, Jonathan Kent has beenwritten to sound like a West Virginia guidance counselor:

“Reckon I found me a spaceman.”

This is what passes for a flagship comic?  How disappointing.

If you didn’t know, Jor-El rockets to Earth to escape theexploding Krypton.  The twist ishis space pod is fitted with Brainiac guidance systems.  Okay, that’s an interesting addition.  If it weren’t in the 3,245 retelling ofa tale we all know too well.  Lateron, a group of mysterious robbers pilfer the Krypton engine.

And Superman doesn’t play any part in this except to lay hishand on the ship that transported him to Earth.  If you didn’t feelcheated enough, a pointless short story is tacked on the end where Jonathan andMartha Kent find out that can’t have kids.  The episode reminded me of a retarded attempt to copy themovie Up and try to evoke some emotion out of the readers.  It worked.  I felt angry.

These books aren’t doing anything special to hold-off theinevitable death of the comic book industry.  In fact, they are speeding up the process.

Score: 1/5

DC Comics

$3.99

Writer: Grant Morrison

Pencils: Andy Kubert

Inker: Jesse Delperdang

Colorist: Brad Anderson

Letterer: Patrick Brosseau