PR: Dynamite Announces Voltron - Year One... Fuck'em

Usually I poke fun at Dynamite and whatever crappy product their licensing followed by the press release, but this time I had a major problem with the verbiage they used in the release. Also this is pretty damn long, but you'll want to stick around till the end trust me.


First Problem:
"Voltron® is the ultimate action franchise and these epic stories from Dynamite Entertainment take fans deeper into the adventure," said Colin McLaughlin, Senior Licensing Manager, Classic Media. "After the success of the first series, we are looking forward to the unveiling of the second."


Okay, stop right there. The first series as far as I know only has one issue out and sure it went to a second printing, but that just means they sold out of the first issue with Diamond... not the actual comic shops. I think claiming overall success of a series and then supposedly launching a second based off that success and like ordering a second pizza because the first slice from the first pizza was so damn good.


Second Problem:
"Brandon has brought a bold new edge to the Voltron Force and proven himself to be an authentic Voltron fan and skilled storyteller," says Jeremy Corray, Creative Director, World Events Productions.  "We can't wait for the surprising twists and turns he will bring to the secret origins of the Space Explorers and we know fans will be as intrigued as we are."


No offense Brandon, but if you were a true fan of Voltron you would have made "Phhhewww" sound that the rest of us made when we saw they picked up the franchise. Twist endings? Really? Wow sign me up... wait, which comic was it again? Lone Ranger, Warlord of Mars? All of your books end the same, stop writing like you went to the "Jeph Loeb School of Comics That Do The Same Damn Thing Every Issue."


Third Problem:
"Brandon [Thomas] is taking everything you thought you knew about the Voltron Force and turning it end over end in the most exciting way possible," states Dynamite Editor, Joe Rybandt. "He's getting inside the head of these characters and showing each and every one as you've never seen them before."


Replace "Voltron Force" and the writers name with just about anything and this generic statement works. Here's an example:


"Brian Bendis is taking everything you thought you knew about the Mickey Mouse and turning it end over end in the most exciting way possible," states Dynamite Editor, Joe Rybandt. "He's getting inside the head of these characters and showing each and every one as you've never seen them before."


OR


"Your Mom is taking everything you thought you knew about the Your Dad and turning it end over end in the most exciting way possible," states Dynamite Editor, Joe Rybandt. "He's getting inside the head of these characters and showing each and every one as you've never seen them before."


OR


"Your Dick is taking everything you thought you knew about the Pussy and turning it end over end in the most exciting way possible," states Dynamite Editor, Joe Rybandt. "He's getting inside the head of these characters and showing each and every one as you've never seen them before."


See, it works with anything. I bet Joe Rybandt has this saved on his desktop and they just yell, "We've got another one for you." Then he yells, "Tuna fish sandwich?" and they say, "No a press release."


Bottom line, fuck you if you buy this book based on the "success" of the first series. If you need a reminder of how much it sucked then check out Carl's review for the book... it got a 1 out of 5!

Comments

[Carl]

Kevin Smith said that in the Film industry, people fail upwards.

I guess the same could be said about the comic book industry.

I'm going to make a sincere effort to do a shitty job with my life so I could be rewarded a comic book--and maybe get to shit on a great licensed character, to boot.

What a grim fucking day...

[Kevin]

i use to like Voltron and now I can't, thanks Dynamite.